In this present dispensation, especially amongst the Youths, it is very difficult to keep a relationship without sex. This has been a major challenge in so many relationships and it has destroyed so many and left so many people heartbroken and forced some ladies to lose their virginity.

It's SO disturbing that SOME ladies are no longer proud of being a virgin, gone are the days when it is a huge pride to be referred to as being a virgin; today, reverse is the case.

Some years back when I was still in the University, on a faithful day in school, I was amidst some friends both girls and guys, we got all talking (dirty) and everyone was sharing one or two experiences. I noticed this girl who was really talking plenty about her experiences, I was amazed at the kind of things she was saying. So I decided to get close to her, after a while of being friends with her I found out the unimaginable. I found out she had no knowledge of what she was saying the other day in school as a matter of fact this girl in question is still a "virgin". The surprising thing was that she was begging me not to tell any of her friends that she is a virgin that they are going to laugh at her, that she does not want them to know and I said to her, you should be proud that you are still a virgin, your parent would be proud that you are still a virgin, so why are you ashamed? And she said I would not understand.

Trust me, we have lots of virgin amongst us, but the problem is they do not want to be associated as a virgin because of what people will say, and that some people will laugh at them. And now most of them are out there looking for whom to help them burst the "bubbles" thinking that will help them fit more into the society.

In a salubrious relationship, both partners are able to express their feelings and regard each other’s limit about sex. You shouldn’t have to have sex to keep your partner. You may feel comfortable kissing or holding hands but not want to go any further. That’s cool.

Deciding whether you want to have sex or when you should is a decision you should make when it feels right for YOU. In a salubrious relationship, your partner regards your decisions, even when they are not comfortable with them.

If you are considering when to have sex, keep in mind:

  - You should feel comfortable with your decision.

  - Talk with your partner about safe sex practices, like getting tested for STIs and considering birth control options.

  - Be honest with yourself and your partner. If you’re not ready, that’s ok and your partner should respect it.

  - If something scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say no at any time.

  - You have the right to talk openly and honestly about your fears, worries and feelings.

  - If your partner tries to threaten or pressure you into having sex, it can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. You deserve better.

  - No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how many times you’ve done something, You have the right to say no at anytime for any reason.

  - If someone won’t take no for an answer and repeatedly pressures you verbally, emotionally or physically it can be a sign of abuse.

  - You have control over your body, and no one else has the right to tell you what to do with it.

Why is it so difficult?

Having sex can raise the intensity of emotions that people feel for each other whether you’re in a serious or casual relationship. At times, this elevation is a good and enjoyable thing, but sometimes it makes a hard situation worse. It’s important that you feel ready and confident in your decisions about having sex.

Even if you are in a healthy relationship and would like to have sex with your partner, some notions or expectations might make this decision more complicated. You and the people in your life might have different ideas about when or what type of sexual activity is alright and what is not.

These are few ways this might happen:

  - Your family does not allow you to date, let alone have sex and there is a risk they might find out.

  - In your culture or religion, it is expected that you wait until marriage. You might agree, disagree or be doubtful of this notion.

  - You feel that your friends or peers will not agree with your decision and you care about their opinions.

You might feel like you’re choosing between what you want and what other people want, yet you might also share some of the same beliefs. Just remember that you are capable of making your own decisions and creating your own set of values.

Communication is paramount.

Only you know what’s on your mind, so unless you express yourself, the other person is only left guessing. Communication is always paramount in a healthy relationship, and the physical part of it is no different. It can be uncomfortable being completely open when it comes to talking about sex, even with a girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, it is necessary to push past that and let them know what you like, what you don’t like or if you don’t want to go any further. Encourage your partner to be open as well because it takes practice and patience.

Learning to listen is equally and possibly even more essential to strong communication. When you show the other person that what they say matters to you, they will be more likely to trust you and listen to you in return. Sex and intimacy are strongly affected by how both parties' feels, so it really pays off to create a suitable atmosphere for communication.

Be Who You Are.

When people are not sure how to act in a certain situation or not sure what others will think is cool, they tend to try to be who they think they should be and not who they really are. A guy might be led to believe that he should have sex with a lot of girls and not get emotionally attached to them. On the other hand, a girl might be led to believe that having sex with too many guys is “slutty,” and that girls should “play hard to get.” Stereotypes like these can make it harder for everyone to be honest about what they really want and can also make them feel self-conscious.

A relationship will be stronger and more real when both parties can truly be themselves both inside and outside of the bedroom. When we question these “rules” we respect our partner for who they are instead of who they “should be.”

My Advice

Ladies when you are not a virgin, and you are no longer interested in sex, I will advise you remain single and not go into any relationship. Because it easy for a guy to understand and be with a lady who is a virgin and will want to remain that way till she gets married, but when you are not a virgin and you are telling a guy you love him but you do not wish to or want to have sex with him, for me it does not make any sense, what has been broken has been broken and cannot be reversed, for it is like a paper that has been squeezed and cannot be straightened again. I am not encouraging sex in a relationship; rather I am just giving an option.

By Frank Oluwafemi